The Handsome Hermit

Truth Serum Interview: Mayor Michael Bloomberg

    The Hermit knows most celebrity interviews are 90% bull.  He knows most famous and 'important' people don't say what they are really thinking publicly.  So for his interview segments, the Hermit attaches a small hypodermic needle with sodium penthathol (the truth drug) behind the interviewee's chair so that when the subject moves, he gets a full dose and is able to do the interview honestly.  For once, we get the truth.  The Hermit's guest today is New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg.

Hermit:  Well Mr. Bloomberg, thank you for taking a moment to talk.

Michael Bloomberg:  Yes sure, I'm a public servant first and foremost.  I just wish I had time to speak to all the citizens of New York.....

(At this time, the Mayor Bloomberg leans back and is injected with the truth serum)

MB:  Ow I thought I felt something.....Anyway as I was saying, I LOATHE the general population.  I spit on Democracy and all the nuisances it creates that get in my way.

H:   So, if you dislike Democracy so much why did you choose to run for mayor?

MB:   Are you stupid or something?  What's the matter with you?  What better way to advance my self interest than to be in the top position of city government?  Do you realize my net worth has more than tripled since I became mayor?  And that's just what I can't hide.

H:  So I guess there are advantages

MB:  Uh Duh!   I do what the fuck I want and then everyone tells me what a great guy I am.  I use Eminent Domain laws like it's my own personal real estate service.  I even got the biggest armed gang  (NYPD) at my disposal if I need physical action.

H:  Yeah I heard about that dry cleaner that lost your shirt

MB:  Listen, I don't care about that shirt, but it was MY shirt.  How DARE they lose my shirt!?!   So I sent a few cops down there to make things hard for them and then I had every city inspection department I could think of go down there and give them tickets and fines.

H:  So essentially, you took down a man who was just trying to feed his family and made one mistake and you demolished him?

MB:  That's right and it felt pretty good.  Matter of fact, the image of that Chink and his starving kids gives me something to masturbate to at night sometimes.

H:  So you take pleasure in other people's suffering and misfortune?

MB:  Where the fuck have you been the past 8 years?  I fucking love it.  And the accomplishment here is that New York is supposed to be this tough, intelligent city but I still get away talking the same shit that a crooked sheriff in Maybery would use.    "Oh I'm just one of you" and "We're all in this together," I would say.  I was curious and at first I wasn't sure if the average New Yorker would be as stupid and gullible as the rest of the country but it's the same shit.  Stupid fucks all over.  So I talk stupid shit, clean them out and rule them like a king.  Dumb fucks could only respond with "Run again Mayor Mike, Run!"  ahahahaha

                     

                    

H:   Some examples perhaps?

MB:  OK, did you notice those pretty new waterfalls on the East River?  They serve no purpose except that they enhance the view from the luxury high rises where some of my friends live.  So I told my buddies, sure we can make your view more aesthetically pleasing and it will be at tax payer expense.  Then at the same time that the city is spending millions to build these waterfalls, I'm getting the Department of Transportation to increase the amount of tickets they write and I am in the process of trying to get tolls on the bridges themselves.

H:   Nobody called you on this heh?

MB:  Are you kidding?   Do you know the city has shut down 5 hospital emergency rooms this past year cause we needed to make room in the budget?  Then what I did at taxpayers expense is open an ultra modern animal and pet hospital right here in the city.   AND NOBODY EVEN FLINCHED!  It's amazing! 

H:  OK, tell us about Eminent Domain and public nuisance laws real quick

MB:  Well Eminent Domain laws exist so the government can take land if need be in case of emergency or national security.  Now, they REALLY exist so important people don't have to deal with the fucking peasants while doing business.  An obvious example is the new Yankee stadium.  They built right over the last remaining park in the Bronx.  Now being that (former mayor) Guliani enjoyed the best seats in the house and loaded up his car with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Yankee merchandise including a genuine $200,000 World Series ring, he paid the Steinbrenner family back with a new billion dollar stadium and the rent will be paid by the taxpayers.   If the public gets curious about this gift (a bilion in total) to the Steinbrenners, we just say it's in the interest of the city to have a new stadium.  Of course the reality is the only ones to benefit are the Steinbrenners and our friends who will get access to the additional luxury boxes in the new stadium.

H:  Before we go, tell us how you got past the term limits and are running for mayor again

MB:  I like being mayor and I do what I like.  They tried to tell me 'Oh the people voted for term limits twice.'   I don't give a shit.  I'll fucking squash anyone that gets in my way.  I bought the city council, bought any public interest group I could and stomped down on those I couldn't.  I'm Mayor Mike, Fuck You!

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Truth Serum Interview: Bill O' Reilly

The Hermit knows most celebrity interviews are 90% bull.  He knows most famous and 'important' people don't say what they are really thinking publicly.  So for his interview segments, the Hermit attaches a small hypodermic needle with sodium penthathol (the truth drug) behind the interviewee's chair so that when the subject moves, he gets a full dose and is able to do the interview honestly.  For once, we get the truth.  The Hermit's guest today is Fox News talk show host/commentator Bill O' Reilly. 

O'Reilly's prime time news program, The O'Reilly Factor is the most watched news program on cable.   Quite an accomplishment considering his program is completely uninformative and a blatant propaganda shout box.  He continues to get away with presenting fictional statistics, unsubstantiated myths and fear and hate mongering as news.  He presents himself as just another hard-working, middle class guy who is "looking out for you" while he pockets $20 million a year as a mouthpiece for Newscorp. 

O'Reilly's deception is so blatant and obvious, it's a wonder he hasn't been exposed more often.  He lies about everything from his upbringing to his political affiliation.  "My family had to struggle, my father was only making 40 thousand a year," he says.  But he fails to mention that 40k a year in 1961 was a lot of money (like 250k now) and his father wasn't on the ground digging for that oil company but was a top accountant for the firm instead.

He shouts and screams about people depending on the government, while thanks to generous government programs of the time, he and his family got a helping hand and even got government subsidized mortgages to live in the newly constructed suburbs.

He claims to not be a mouthpiece for the right and claims he is an independent.  However, it was revealed he was a registered republican.   He then says "Well, there was no independent slot to check" but the truth is there was a clear Independent slot on the registration card as the registration cards are easily obtained.

When Fox employee Andrea Mackris complained that O'Reilly harassed her, he responded by calling her a bunch of names and accusing her of attention seeking.  When she announced she had a tape of his harassment, he quickly sent over the Fox lawyers to pay her and settle out of court on the condition the tape never be played and the amount of money for her to keep quiet undisclosed.

And it goes on and on.  This guy is clearly a lying, deceitful, hateful man.  He hosts a show that claims "the spin stops here" meanwhile all he does is spin, lie and mislead.

                

Hermit:   Thanks for taking some time to speak with me.

Bill O'Reilly:   Ok, just want to get my point across and speak spin-free and be fair and balanced.

(At this point, he leans back and gets stuck with the truth serum needle)

Bill:   Ow! What the fuck was that?!?

H:    Oh nothing.  So tell me a little about your popular news/talk show

Bill:   Well, it's just me lying, pretending to be a friend to the middle class while I convince them to support ideas and policies against their own interest.  These stupid fucks buy anything.  They believe all the bullshit I tell them.  For their problems, we blame Mexicans, homeless, pornography, UFO's, Bigfoot, The Abominable Snowman, anything.   Whenever any truth gets on, I just shout them down with "Lefty Liberal Loon!" or "Protect the Children!" and the idiots fall right in line.   I just wish I would have realized how stupid the average person is decades ago so I could have started cashing in earlier. 

H:   Hmm, sounds pretty good for you now though.  So what If you could do anything you want, what would you do?  What do you fantasize about?

Bill:   Well I've always fantasized about snatching little babies from their mothers and smashing their heads against a brick wall for a good laugh.  Another thing I wish I could do is an actual lynching.  That sounds like fun to me.

H:   Tell me a little about Andrea Mackris, that lawsuit from a few years back

Bill:   Well, it was a surprise really.  See this cunt would shake her ass around the office and whenever I grabbed her or pulled her she would act all offended like she thought she was too good or something.  So one day, I pushed her towards my desk and started to grind into her.  She tried to run off but I held her down.  I barely had my cock in her before she got away.  Then this cock tease starts crying and acting all offended saying I was abusive.  What a cunt, I only hit her 3 or 4 times and not with a fist, just with the back of my hands.  She only had a couple bruises on her.

Anyway, I called her up that night to let her know what a cunt she was and you believe this bitch recorded the conversation.  So I talked to the lawyers at Fox and we agreed it was best to pay this cunt a few million dollars to not ever play the tape.

H:  Who do admire?  Who would you like to meet?

Bill:   Well of course there is Adolf Hitler and that entire group in charge at the time.  I mean we really learned a lot about the effective use of Propaganda from them.  You know, blaming the country's problems on one group.  It's a little like what I do.  I point fingers at liberals, ACLU etc and these stupid fucks eat it up.  Sometimes I can't believe how easy my job is.  Rupert Murdoch pays me millions of dollars a year for doing this.  Sometimes when Rupert and I sneak off and spend a weekend just hanging out, you know a casual time, maybe we'd do some blow and kill a few hookers, well we would just start cracking up at how easy it all is and just how stupid the average person is.  One time, we were hacking up this dead girl into several pieces (so we could fit her in the garbage container) and Rupert usually likes to drink their blood after we kill them but he couldn't even swallow her blood cause he was laughing so hard it was coming out his nose.  Good times man, good times.

H:  Well, I think I've had enough.  Anything else you'd like to say before we end?

Bill:   Yeah, don't forget to buy my latest book and listen to me on the radio and watch my program every night, you stupid bastards. 

                          

              

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.                        Fun Fact

In 1999, The Economist reported that Newscorp Investments had made $2.1 Billion in profits over the previous 11 years but had paid no net corporation tax.  It further reported, after an examination of the accounts, that Newscorp would have been expected to pay a corporate tax of approximately $350 million. The article explained that the corporation's complex structure, international scope and use of offshore havens allowed News Corporation to avoid taxation.

 

Truth Serum Interview: George Lucas

     The Hermit knows most celebrity interviews are 90% bull.  He knows most famous and 'important' people don't say what they are really thinking publicly.  So for his interview segments, the Hermit attaches a small hypodermic needle with sodium penthathol (the truth drug) behind the interviewee's chair so that when the subject moves, he gets a full dose and is able to do the interview honestly.  The Hermit's guest today is film tycoon, George Lucas.  Lucas created the Star Wars trilogy and through his licensing, merchandising and special effects and entertainment companies like Industrial Light and Magic, Lucasfilm and LucasArts has amassed a fortune worth over 3.5 Billion dollars.

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.                  "I simply want ALL the money"

 

Hapless Hermit:  Thanks for taking the time to talk...

George Lucas:  Sure I love to talk to my fans.  I think there is nothing more rewarding than talking with the average fan and sharing with them and listening to criticism and discussing.....

(at this point, Mr. Lucas leans back and is injected with the sodium pentathol)

 

George Lucas:  Oww! Did you feel something?

Hapless Hermit:  Oh, I think there's a mosquito buzzing around.

GL:  Oh anyway, what was I saying....  Oh yeah, the fans.  They really are pathetic, aren't they?  I mean c'mon, some 35 year-old guy wondering what my plans were.  What the fuck you think my plan was?  It was to make a bunch of money so I don't have to be around idiots like you!

HH:  Let's talk about the prequels.  Lots of people were disappointed.

GL:  Well, I could give a rat's ass who was disappointed.

HH:  Then why did you make them?

GL:  As you know ILM and some of my other companies produce special effects for movies.  Well, I thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice if there was a way I could have other people pay for the research and development and I still keep the profits?  Then it dawned on me.  Why not produce a bunch of action scenes with the latest technology and effects, insert some generic dialog and call it new Star Wars movies.  I thought middle-aged tards would surely come and bring their kids too.  This way I get to advertise my real business and get paid hundreds of millions to do so.  It's win win.

HH:  That's it?  That's why you made the prequels?

GL:  Well that and the fact that Steven Spielberg was getting close to me in net worth.  You believe that Jew is worth nearly a couple billion himself?  So I made a bet with him.

HH:  Bet?  What kind of bet?

GL:  I bet that Heeb bastard that I can put out 3 piles of shit, with a Star Wars logo on them and I would still be #1 at the box office.   I have to admit though, it was a little harder than I expected.  I mean he had certain conditions such as 1)the dialog had to be written by a 7 year old boy with partial brain damage.  2)I had to ignore the storyline of the original trilogy so to create dozens of inconsistencies.  3)I had to use the worst takes from every scene.   But I think I was successful.  I mean it was no small feat to take the most beloved film franchise and turn it into garbage.  I mean there was a back-story that millions of people wanted to see.  A story with potential for suspense, love, intrigue.  I mean there's a guy losing his soul for Pete's sake and I made it in to something unwatchable.  I should get an award for that.

HH:  So what about these new Star Wars projects coming out this Summer and Fall?

GL:  Huh?  What?  Oh yeah, listen, fuel for my private jet is expensive and I'm thinking of expanding Skywalker Ranch a few more miles so I told a couple interns to put together some cartoon shit and put a Star Wars stamp on it.  I figure I'll take another 20-million from it.

HH:  What about new films? Perhaps episodes 7-9?

GL:  Well I got Speilberg to put out a new Indiana Jones movie this summer.  But I gotta watch that Jew on the take though so I don't know how much I'll clear on that, maybe 30 million.  I'll see.  Maybe I'll take a dump, digitally film it, put in some cgi and call it the new trilogy.

HH:  I thank you for your time

GL:  Yeah fuck you fanboy.  Fuck all you Star Wars retards.