Truth Serum Interview: Mayor Michael Bloomberg

    The Hermit knows most celebrity interviews are 90% bull.  He knows most famous and 'important' people don't say what they are really thinking publicly.  So for his interview segments, the Hermit attaches a small hypodermic needle with sodium penthathol (the truth drug) behind the interviewee's chair so that when the subject moves, he gets a full dose and is able to do the interview honestly.  For once, we get the truth.  The Hermit's guest today is New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg.

Hermit:  Well Mr. Bloomberg, thank you for taking a moment to talk.

Michael Bloomberg:  Yes sure, I'm a public servant first and foremost.  I just wish I had time to speak to all the citizens of New York.....

(At this time, the Mayor Bloomberg leans back and is injected with the truth serum)

MB:  Ow I thought I felt something.....Anyway as I was saying, I LOATHE the general population.  I spit on Democracy and all the nuisances it creates that get in my way.

H:   So, if you dislike Democracy so much why did you choose to run for mayor?

MB:   Are you stupid or something?  What's the matter with you?  What better way to advance my self interest than to be in the top position of city government?  Do you realize my net worth has more than tripled since I became mayor?  And that's just what I can't hide.

H:  So I guess there are advantages

MB:  Uh Duh!   I do what the fuck I want and then everyone tells me what a great guy I am.  I use Eminent Domain laws like it's my own personal real estate service.  I even got the biggest armed gang  (NYPD) at my disposal if I need physical action.

H:  Yeah I heard about that dry cleaner that lost your shirt

MB:  Listen, I don't care about that shirt, but it was MY shirt.  How DARE they lose my shirt!?!   So I sent a few cops down there to make things hard for them and then I had every city inspection department I could think of go down there and give them tickets and fines.

H:  So essentially, you took down a man who was just trying to feed his family and made one mistake and you demolished him?

MB:  That's right and it felt pretty good.  Matter of fact, the image of that Chink and his starving kids gives me something to masturbate to at night sometimes.

H:  So you take pleasure in other people's suffering and misfortune?

MB:  Where the fuck have you been the past 8 years?  I fucking love it.  And the accomplishment here is that New York is supposed to be this tough, intelligent city but I still get away talking the same shit that a crooked sheriff in Maybery would use.    "Oh I'm just one of you" and "We're all in this together," I would say.  I was curious and at first I wasn't sure if the average New Yorker would be as stupid and gullible as the rest of the country but it's the same shit.  Stupid fucks all over.  So I talk stupid shit, clean them out and rule them like a king.  Dumb fucks could only respond with "Run again Mayor Mike, Run!"  ahahahaha

                     

                    

H:   Some examples perhaps?

MB:  OK, did you notice those pretty new waterfalls on the East River?  They serve no purpose except that they enhance the view from the luxury high rises where some of my friends live.  So I told my buddies, sure we can make your view more aesthetically pleasing and it will be at tax payer expense.  Then at the same time that the city is spending millions to build these waterfalls, I'm getting the Department of Transportation to increase the amount of tickets they write and I am in the process of trying to get tolls on the bridges themselves.

H:   Nobody called you on this heh?

MB:  Are you kidding?   Do you know the city has shut down 5 hospital emergency rooms this past year cause we needed to make room in the budget?  Then what I did at taxpayers expense is open an ultra modern animal and pet hospital right here in the city.   AND NOBODY EVEN FLINCHED!  It's amazing! 

H:  OK, tell us about Eminent Domain and public nuisance laws real quick

MB:  Well Eminent Domain laws exist so the government can take land if need be in case of emergency or national security.  Now, they REALLY exist so important people don't have to deal with the fucking peasants while doing business.  An obvious example is the new Yankee stadium.  They built right over the last remaining park in the Bronx.  Now being that (former mayor) Guliani enjoyed the best seats in the house and loaded up his car with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Yankee merchandise including a genuine $200,000 World Series ring, he paid the Steinbrenner family back with a new billion dollar stadium and the rent will be paid by the taxpayers.   If the public gets curious about this gift (a bilion in total) to the Steinbrenners, we just say it's in the interest of the city to have a new stadium.  Of course the reality is the only ones to benefit are the Steinbrenners and our friends who will get access to the additional luxury boxes in the new stadium.

H:  Before we go, tell us how you got past the term limits and are running for mayor again

MB:  I like being mayor and I do what I like.  They tried to tell me 'Oh the people voted for term limits twice.'   I don't give a shit.  I'll fucking squash anyone that gets in my way.  I bought the city council, bought any public interest group I could and stomped down on those I couldn't.  I'm Mayor Mike, Fuck You!

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Comments

[Zaius Nation]

Wotta Maroon! Next time don't use sodium pentathol, use torture! President Bush said it's OK. ;O)

[coz]

I am surprised he didn't admit to donkey punching his grandmother.