The Hapless Hermit

The Hermit 11/17/08

   Good news everyone, I decided to add a weekly update/column/address/whatever to the blog.  I mean just some ideas, rants musings and such.  So now I won't wait till I have a specific topic or issue, I'll do a weekly column of observations, thoughts, mini reviews etc in addition to more in-depth posts.   So it's sort of like you (my friends) can feel closer to the Hermit even though he doesn't call.

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          Is fire afraid of the Oprah?

That recent wildfire that destroyed 100 homes in fancy Santa Barbara California did quite a bit of damage but it didn't dare spread to Oprah's 50 acre estate.  Movie stars like Rob Lowe had to run for cover but the Oprah just laughed and said, "That feeble fire is no match for the power of the Oprah."

Is it just luck or did the Oprah keep the fire away from one of her numerous mansions by using her skill and knowledge of the dark arts?

Santa Barbara Wildfire

  

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Saw the film, Turistas the other day.  What a piece of trash. The plot was very predictable and boring. 'Oh no pretty girls in string bikini, don't go to that house hidden in the jungle, a bad man will kill you there.'  None of the characters were interesting. By the time we reach the end where the mysterious murderer finally shows up, I was hoping they WOULD all be killed....and the freaking writer and director too.

                     

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                Smoke em if ya got em

              

Is Obama our first smoking president in decades?  Sure he says he recently quit and only fell off the wagon a few times during his campaign, but that could mean he just cut down and wont smoke in public. If so, I say good for him.  I quit smoking 8 years ago and my life has gone downhill ever since.  If I get my affairs in order and things start going well for me, I'm gonna start smoking again (yes what lofty ambitions I have). 

I'm not saying smoking is harmless.  It is something that probably should be kept to a minimum but it's not the be-all health problem they make it out to be.  We're a country of fat fucks, dizzy and diabetic from the massive amounts of high fructose corn syrup they put in everything from breakfast cereals to baloney.  We have air quality issues around the major cities, we surround ourselves with chemicals that we assume are fine cause they're in products we bought at the mall or supermarket and we live stress-filled lives, then we assume cigarettes are the devil and all will be fine if people just didn't smoke.  Fuck that.

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                   Undeniable Truth

"We are beings with stone age emotions, living in medieval institutions, with access to modern technology."

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                OCD or rational response?

I have a problem using hotel towels.  Not so much on my body, but sometimes I'm hesitant to wipe my face or dry my hair with them.  Some people have scoffed at me for bringing my own towel to hotels.  The following photo is of one of the things I imagine when deciding whether or not to use hotel towels.

      

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My friends, who of you here is not familiar with the comedy of the great Eddie Izzard?  I caught a bit of his classic Dressed To Kill recently and was reminded how just how fucking funny he is.  I've been a fan since the 90s.  Eddie is a transvestite but he doesn't draw most of his humor from that.  It's just part of who he is.  He does a wide range of material.  My favorite is his take on World history, Jesus and the Dinosaurs, Darth Vader at the cafeteria and his James Mason impression.  I believe he is one of the greatest comedians of this generation.  Buy the DVD of Dressed To Kill and check out some of his other routines on youtube.

Darth Vader at the Cafeteria    mass murderers 

 Dinosaurs    WW2 and Risk   Do you have a Flag?

 

 

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Open Letter to Erica Ferrari; My Tongue Is Available

      

   Erica Ferrari works for Cablevision's News 12 Brooklyn, a localnews channel available only to Cablevision subscribers.  They usually stick her in off-peak time slots.  You might be able to see her weekdays after midnight or early Saturday Mornings.

It's so cute how they bring her in as a substitute on those 5 degree Winter nights, all bundled up in her turtle neck.  It's adorable how she comes in on Sunday mornings and does the news with her voice all raspy, just a little softer cause she's slightly hung over.  I even like it when I catch her fall back into her New York accent and say "shtreet" instead of street or "cawfee" instead of coffee.   Yes I am smitten.

Many people try googling their names once in a while.  Quasi-celebrities are probably more likely to check and see if there is anything about them being written or posted.  So, I thought I'd take a moment to offer local news anchor, Erica Ferarri a very generous offer.  So Erica, if you somehow come across this post, here's my offer:  My tongue for one evening.  You would have to do nothing but lay back and let my tongue explore your body.

Now, you may ask, why would I want the Hermit's tongue on me?   It's true I am not as handsome as I once was and yeah the years have not been kind to me.  However, I am in possession of a gifted tongue.  Not only is it skilled but super-soft and it feels wonderful against female flesh.

Another bonus, I smell great.  No, not just because I'm fanatical about cleanliness but because of my high quality pheromones.  I've been told by just about every woman that ever got very close to me, that my skin has just the slightest scent they really enjoy.  Woman from all walks of life have commented, from a local bank teller to a medical assistant, to a popular West Coast Dominatrix.  It must be my pheromones as I don't use anything on my skin but soap and a little deodorant.

So Erica, does this sound like a tempting offer?  Laying back while a good-smelling man with a skilled, soft tongue services you?    Of course I wouldn't tell anyone about the encounter so you wouldn't have to worry about privacy or discretion.  After all, I am a Hermit.

 

                          

                     News 12's Erica Ferrari

"Thanks kids, now go the fuck back home"

 

   Well big fucking deal, we finally voted in a black guy.   Oh, aint we progressive?   Now, how many of you tards really believe this guy is really gonna be any different than the previous 43 scumbags that occupied this position?  You don't get to be President by being a swell guy.  Of course he is miles above this year's competition who ran a campaign on the premise that the majority of voters have the intelligence of road kill and the attention span of a drunk Alzheimer's victim.  

However, it doesn't mean his is going to be much different than some of the "liberal" administrations we've seen before.  Actually, he's already in the process of setting up an administration that will look pretty much like Clinton's and has already pretty much declared he has no problem with war either.  Don't tell me you kids are really expecting an anti-war leader?   Don't tell me you expected someone whose main job is something other than frontman for the corporations that rule this country?

Listen up all you 'change' supporters, you had your little pageant and get togethers, now it's time for the masters of the universe to get back to doing what they usually do.  Let's see, in one of his first orders of business since the election, Obama has convened an economic advisory board to meet yesterday in Chicago. This group includes billionaire investor Warren Buffett, former presidential cabinet officials and executives from various corporations including Xerox, Time Warner, Google and the Hyatt hotel company.  Oh what?  You missed your invite?  Bwahahaha

This guy has some $700 million in chips he has to cash.  And when his benefactors come looking to collect, don't be surprised if some of those chips get lodged up your ass.

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Never know when the Hermit is going to update his blog?  Tired of checking the page only to find the reclusive bastard didn't even turn the pc on today?  Sign the mailing list and you'll be notified by email whenever the Hermit stumbles to keyboard and manages to hit the return key. sign the mailing list