The Hapless Hermit

Yankee Bottom Bitches - Joe Buck and Tim McCarver

        

               Bottom Bitches Buck and McCarver

   It's not difficult to see that baseball is a very corrupt sport.  The past 15 years or so have seen the business of baseball increase it's profitability but at the same time become increasingly unfair and less scrupulous.    In some way, you can't blame them.  By the early 1990s, other pro and college sports were taking huge market share away from MLB.   Football with it's violence, rah rah! mentality and easy to insert advertising model was becoming even more popular.  Meanwhile, inner city kids were getting even less access to the game as those communities became even poorer, resources were even less and baseball fields were just places were yuppies in new condos took their dogs to crap.   The only sport they knew was basketball and they eagerly went out and paid $150 for a pair of Jordon sneakers that cost 75 cents to make in some sweatshop in Indonesia.

Well, by the mid 1990s something started to be done to make this old game more profitable.   Bud Selig inserted himself as commissioner so he and his crew of corporate gangsters could really start making some money off this bitch.   Already armed with antitrust exemption and the MLB logo of legitimacy, they made some major changes.  These changes like division realignment and revenue sharing pretty much made it all but a given that we'd see the Yankees or Red Sox in every damn World Series and once competitive franchises like the Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansa City Royals downgraded to pretty much farm clubs off whom the Yankee or Red Sox could pluck a player if they needed.  The owners of these smaller market teams aren't complaining cause with Revenue Sharing, if the Yankees win and Fox Sports wins, then everybody wins, well the owners at least.

So it's no surprise that Fox sportscasters Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are pulling for the Yankees as they are supposed to do.  But do they have to make it so obvious?   Every time a strike is called on a Yankee on a pitch that may have been a ball, they replay it a hundred times and they make it sound like a major atrocity.   When a questionable call is in favor of the Yankee, we're lucky if we see one replay and Buck and McCarver hardly say a word.   Old crank Tim McCarver expresses total disgust for "cheaters" like Barry Bonds but when A-Rod(one of the biggest steroid users) hits one out, McCarver blushes "aint he something!"   McCarver who is always criticizing some for dirty plays, chuckled when A-Rod ran out of the base path and tried to knock the Angels shortstop into center field.

Meanwhile Joe Buck just rambles on and on about what a 'fine' 'class act' organization the Yankees are but seems to forget that the top steroid users Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi, Andy Petite and A-Rod juice for them.    Joe Buck gushes about what a gamer Petite is but when Pedro Martinez strikes out Derek Jeter they deduce that the only way someone could strike out someone as talented and handsome as Jeter is by quick pitching him.   Even when Jeter bunts himself out, McCarver can only say "Jeter is far too good a hitter to be bunting."

It's become clear to me that MLB is using everything it can to make sure the Yankees get to the World Series.   The Yankees do what they want with impunity.  They construct this new stadium which is pretty much a glorified Wiffleball park where every ball hit to right-center has chance of being a homer but that's ok cause that's were Jeter hits em.  Then they steal signs like crazy.  Many times it looks like a Yankee KNEW THAT PITCH WAS COMING and it turns out they did.  Former Yankee coach Larry Bowa admitted this.  But it doesn't matter cause the Yankee are all just "pride" and "tradition."  

So......while this goes on, Buck and McCarver will just cheer and praise the Yankee.  A good bottom bitch will do and say anything for her daddy.

   

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The Mayor Bloomberg for a 3rd Term

Election Day coming up and this shit hole of a city consisting of brainwashed retards, spiteful scumbags, dirt poor bastards, well-to-do douchebag yuppie fucks and old money pricks have let the Mayor Bloomberg take another election without so much as a peep.

And poof.....like that, he's gone?

"The greatest trick the Hermit ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist"

  

         

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Just a rough few weeks, the Hermit will be back soon.   And no I'm not hanging from a rope in my closet, thank you for the concern though.

Now the Gals Can Pee Standing Up!

  

            

   In many ways I do not envy women.   I especially don't envy them having to sit or squat to whiz in public restrooms, porta-johns etc.  I get to pee standing up and I still get disgusted every time I walk into a public restroom.  The stench, the sites, the unwillingness of people to conduct themselves with any consideration for others or even any human dignity.  I could only imagine the horror of having to enter the stalls just to whiz.   Well I stumbled across this little device that claims it 'relieves' women of that hassle.    If it's real and works the way it should, it will make life a lot more pleasant.  Why isn't this on the shelves at every Duane-Reade and CVS?

    

    

Pmates give women the freedom to discreetly pee standing up

Have you ever found yourself in a dirty, unhygienic port-a-potty?

Have you ever had a full bladder with no bathroom in sight?

Have you ever been afraid to pull down your pants to squat and pee and risk being seen or peeing on your shoes?

Then the P-Mate is for you!

• The P-Mate is a revolutionary way for women to pee discreetly without having to pull down their pants and squat.
• The P-Mate allows women to pee standing up.
• The P-Mate is the most amazing female urinary device.
• The P-Mate gives women the freedom to pee like men.
• The P-Mate is clean and hygienic.
• The P-Mate is covered with a 4-leaf clover design as it is good luck to have one with you when you are in need.
• The P-Mate does NOT get all wet and soggy after use. You can easily slip it back into a pocket or bag for later disposal if you are outdoors where there is no garbage can. 

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Fantastic!  I'm thinking of ordering a case and I'm not even a woman.

Order Yours!   Ladies Stand-up Pissamathingajig

Just a Reminder

We should remain conscious of this and not forget there is a "they."

The Kids Are Not Alright: Guitar Hero Zombies and Brain Damaged Chimps at Best Buy

   I thought what I was looking for this particular afternoon would not be particularly hard to find.   I just needed something to transfer sound from a cassette deck to my pc.   I basically knew what I needed, a connector of sorts that would accept audio output then into the pc via usb.  I made the mistake of trying to get one of the poorly-trained chimps at Best Buy to help me locate the item.

Well, when I first walked in the store, I became a little distracted as I noticed there was some music playing but the guitar was up a little in the mix.  I'm thinking "hey someone is playing along with a guitar."   So I go have a look and there is pimple-faced teen having a good ol' time playing along.  However, this was not like any guitar I've ever held.  This was some flimsy piece of plastic, not even real strings.  It was part of the Guitar Hero game (or Rock Band).   Yes it was a little naive to assume it would be a real guitar and I did feel like a bit of a relic.  Well it seems there is practically no musical skill required to play this game.  You don't even need to keep the rhythm as it's all matching the pretty colors.  It was kind of sad actually.  For a second it seemed any of the natural rebellious spirit inherit in a healthy teen was being moderated and subdued by this device.

It's also kind of sad that an entire generation of kids get their musical kicks and satisfaction from this instead of actually learning an instrument.  So I'm holding this thing and the kid is asking to have it back.  I said, "First tell me the natural minor of G."  "Wha?"    I repeated, "Tell me the natural minor of G and you can have it."    The kid had a bewildered look on his face, "The unnatural bees?"   Damn it!

Well, I gave up and went to the accessories and cables section.  I couldn't find what I was looking for.  I foolishly asked the first monkey in a blue shirt if he could point me in the right direction.   He had no clue what rca cable was, what usb was or what planet he was on.  Eyes totally glazed, dumb confused smile with a slim but soggy body that matched his soggy, wet brain.  "Did you just smoke?" I asked.   He laughed, sort of nodded and walked away. 

Then I approached another kid who seemed to have a bit more energy.  However, it turns out it was too much energy as in the middle of my question, he puts his hand out to stop me and says "wait a sec" and proceeds to start dancing.   I mean it literally, he started dancing.  It was like he was in some musical theater.  (This is actually the third time a Best Buy employee started dancing on me in the middle of a question.   I donno, was this an invite to dance along?  Did I just get served?  What do you do in that situation?   Do you applaud or dance along?

I figured I'd try one more.  This time I found a girl.  I thought I'd have better luck as they are usually more intelligent than teenage boys.  Also, she was a little older, maybe 19 or 20 and she seemed to have some more experience there as well.   So I follow her halfway across the store and she shows me some video tape transfer software.   I told her, "Yea I see that but I was just looking for one particular type of cable or converter for audio tape only, not a whole vhs to dvd software suite"    She says, "But you said tape and this says tape."    I repeated, "Yes but I'm just looking to convert audio tape."   She looks up at the ceiling, then back at me,  "audio tape?"    Then I tried to be more specific, "cassette tape but it doesn't really matter as long as I can go to a usb into the computer."  

At this point she becomes very confused and then I lose her attention entirely as a girl friend walks by and the go into a long conversation about a choice of top another girl is wearing.   "Yo' I Iike-ed dat top she wearing"   "I knoooow right  but it's almost the same color as the one I boughted last week."   "Reealllyyyy?   wooooow"   "I know riiiiiight"  "I know wow"  "riiiiiggght and it's not really pink but like some other color like pink but not, you know?"   "Yea I know, riiiiight"

I gave it another shot on the way out but this other kid was even more stoned and stupid then the rest.   "Why don't you like just buy something to copy them"    And where would I get something to help me do that?   "Uhh ehhhh ummmm."  I'm convinced every employee at Best Buy is retarded to begin with then smokes a ton of pot before each shift.

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Ass Appreciation Month: Nicest Ass on the Planet - The Hermit's

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   That's right, I'm not going to be modest here.  The Hermit always had a sweet ass.  It has plenty of shape, smells like a rose, tastes great and is always immaculately clean.

---At 5 years of age, while in the hospital for a week, a very affectionate nurse told the little Hermit, "Ohhhh! those cute little sweet cheeks, I could just eat em up!"

---At 11 years of age, an older, fully mustached teenager told the Hermit "I wish I could pound your ass but good."

---At 12, The Hermit's first play/experimental contact involved a neighbor girl feeling up the Hermit's ass.

---For the Hermit's first  sexual encounter, a cute, hot-pants wearing, lucky blond got to take the Hermit's virginity.  When asked why she liked him, she said, "He's got a really nice ass."

---The Hermit's ass was licked by 5 lucky young ladies in total.  Each of them repeated the action as they found it very enjoyable.  

---The Hermit's ass is always clean.  Since 1997, all of the Hermit's bowel movements have been immediately followed by a thorough shower.  Basically, anytime you meet the Hermit, you can be sure his ass is immaculate and ready to be licked if you desire.

Ass Appreciation Month: Brief History of Anal Porn

     Time for some tasteless, (and lightly misogynistic) porn.  Hermit goes into crude, lowbrow mode.  Don't forget to remind me what a pig I am.

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     Once upon a time (pre-80's), if you wanted to see moving images of people having sex, you had just a few options.   You could find someone with an expensive projector and watch some stag film where some guy with a handlebar mustache quickly and almost comically, in fast motion, plows away at some flapper-looking broad.   Maybe if you got lucky, you could find something filmed in the latter half of the century and see some tired old gal spread her legs with a patch of thick woolly pubes from her stomach to her knees.

If you wanted some sex film of quality, you could have headed down to a local porn theater, walk the sticky isles (this time it aint butter) sit down and watch some professional porn films done in all their over-tinted red glory while praying the guy behind you does not get too excited and shoots a load on the back of your neck.

                              The 80's

Thanks to the VCR becoming more readily available to the average person, by the early 80's trekking out to the porn theater was no longer necessary.  You could discreetly go to the small back room of your local video store and just have to endure the smirk of the pimple-faced clerk to get your porn.  This led to the booming of the adult video biz.  And now as such a huge genre of smut, it had to have it's stars.

Well the thing is most of the early adult video stars were a little taken with themselves (and cocaine) and because the medium was so new that they did feel unique and special and often had many conditions for shooting videos.  It was very common for a starlet to say no to anal.  "I make films where my pussy gets stuffed on camera, get loads of cum smeared across my face but I'm not gonna ruin my reputation by doing anal."   Amber Lynn wouldn't do anal on camera no matter how much coke you threw at her.  Barbara Dare (the first 100k contract girl) said no to anal (and black men) because she was too much a lady to be presented that way.   Christy Canyon would not even discuss it and the only way you would see Aja doing it was if her co-star would slip it in whenever she nodded out (which was about two-thirds of the day).

 

                    Then there was Ginger Lynn

    

  
   

Ginger seemed to realize she was selling her ass and had no problem putting it on the line for all to enjoy.  Not only would she do anal scenes, but some double penetration stuff as well.  No attitude, no sense of entitlement.  She paved the way for future porn stars.  As the biggest porn star of the 80's, she set a precedent that future stars could not just coast by on looks.  From Ginger on, they had to put their ass up.

        

     

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                              The 90's

By the 90's the porn industry was huge and thousands of stars emerged.  The industry began to market to all different kinds of tastes and anal became almost vanilla.    The most hype was given to gang-bang queens like Jasmin St. Claire and Anabel Chong but many smoking hot performers were delivering steady, quality anal work.

            
                               Tiffany Mynx

Tiffany barely had both feet through the door of the biz before she started doing anal scenes,  "With an ass like mine, I just have to do anal scenes" she said.

    

     

                           Stephanie Swift
Everything about her looks said 'uptight princess' but it didn't take much convincing for this A-list star to take it in the bum.  Also, she understood what her fans wanted to see.  Right before she went off to the big contract land at Wicked video, she did a 10-men gang bang where she not only took 10 cocks in her sleek, shiny ass, she also ate 10 man asses, including the infamous Ron Jeremy.

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                              Jessica Darlin
While Jessica was not exactly an anal queen, she happily took it in the can and was a trooper about it.   After a particularly vigorous anal workout, she would often show her ravaged, gaping ass to the camera.  This would later be copied by new up and coming anal stars.

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                          Modern Era

Some complain the effort to shock has become too much and the current gonzo style porn has taken eroticism out of it.  While it's true a lot of the new stuff seems like stunt porn, you can't deny there are many lovely, hard-working young ladies who gladly take their cock deliveries through the back door for our entertainment.

     
                                  Gauge

Came into the business with her ass wide open.  She seemed to be on a mission to get the entire world into her ass and it seems she almost did, even rushing it by often taking 2 shlongs at once,   She's the new kind of slut next door.  This new breed doesn't behave naughty by secretively blowing a neighbor but by taking it in the ass from the entire basketball team.  Remember, anal is the new oral.

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                                Aurora Snow

It's hard to find a porn star with a personality that doesn't make you want to violently throw up while smashing your head against a brick wall.  But Aurora snow is downright pleasant.  While not exactly a scholar, she can actually have a conversation that isn't about shopping, puppies or American Idol.  She is known to be very friendly and she seems like a very nice person.  There is just something so friendly and wholesome about her.  She's the ass-whore you bring home to mom.

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                          Belladonna

Belladonna believes "If it fits through the bedroom door, then it fits in my ass."  Her ass actually seems hungry for multiple cocks as it gobbles up every pecker in site.  Eventually she took to inserting bigger things like fists and baseball bats.  This is what happens when you raise someone Mormon.

            

You Got Balls! Sports Commissioners Roger Goodell and Bud Selig

   The Hermit grew up in a very "colorful" if not particularly refined neighborhood.  Whenever someone was called out for being a hypocrite or a phony, he would be told, "You Got Balls!"    So I thought I'd call out a few people that are obvious lying bastards and tell thems guys, hey yous a 'friggin scumbaaeeg' and You Got Balls!

   
     Bud Selig         Roger Goodell   with friends

   For some reason Americans like to think of their pro athletes as nobel human beings and pro sports as pure and honorable when the reality is it's only about the advertising dollar.  The hypocrisy is obvious.

NFL Commissioner reinstated arch-villain Michael Vick, conditionally that is, as long as he is a good boy.  The league fully expects Vick to go around hugging dogs, donating a good chunk of his pay to PETA and giving lots of handjobs to ASPCA leaders.     "The conduct that Michael engaged in was horrific and cruel" says  Goodell and  "Playing in the NFL is a privilege. We are held to a higher standard."

Yes yes, the NFL is all about tree-hugging and making nice kissy dontcha know?   The fact that Vick allowed his property to be used for such a thing would make the NFL look somehow violent.  And there is no place for violence in pro football, a sport where huge former frat-house bullies and ghetto thugs put on 30 pounds of equipment and continuously smash into each other as they chase after the tanned skin of a dead pig.  You know the term "pigskin."  

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Then Bud Selig.   He strongly objects to allowing Pete Rose (who holds the all-time hit record) in to the hall of fame because he "disgraced" the game and interfered with the "integrity" of the game.

Yeah right, this coming from a man who became commissioner mafia style.   As an MLB owner, he colluded to rig the signing of free agents, formed small clandestine groups with other owners to manipulate league rules and policies and then got together with a bunch of other moneyed baseball interests to form the Executive Council of Major League Baseball and thus became de facto acting commissioner until he could officially muscle the previous commissioner out.

As commissioner, Selig quickly set the agenda to make easier profits for the owners regardless of what it did to fair competition in the game.  He instituted revenue sharing which severely cuts small market teams incentive to compete and pretty much just makes them farm systems for the big teams.  He just about made certain there will be a Yankee or Red Sox in every fucking World Series from now on. 

And talk about integrity, he orchestrated the death of the Montreal franchise so he and his buddies who co-owned the team could make half a billion for doing nothing.  It went like this:

---ok MLB taking over the Montreal Expos franchise

---Run the franchise into the ground

---Move the franchise to Washington where they get a new stadium

---New stadium is paid for by the city (the  public tax payers)

---Then sell the franchise for a huge profit (because the new stadium has doubled the value of franchise)

Then even with all this, he avoided his 'conflict of interest' of being an owner and commissioner at the same time.........by selling controlling interest of his team the Brewers to............his daughter.

Yes Bud Selig we wouldn't a man like Pete Rose around to get in the way of your MLB integrity. 

You got Balls.

Ass Appreciation Month: The Bears Are Out!

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                           Classic Bear Ass

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       A slightly more chiseled Bear Ass with bonus tats

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Less hair and higher butt cheeks for an interesting view in the face-down position.

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 Thems are some thick cheeks for a white man.    Nice the way he positioned himself over the office chair.

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Ass Appreciation Month: Is it Acting or "Assing" ???

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   Movie stars just love showing their asses.  Photographers love takings pictures of ass so we get lots of looks at actress ass.  I'm not saying actresses have the best quality ass.  It's just so easy to notice in a society obsessed with celebrity.   So are movies stars most popular based on their acting ability or quality of their assess?  Here are a few actress asses I appreciate.  I think most will agree the Hermit KNOWS quality ass when he sees it.

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                                   Jessica Biel

   She may be just another of a long string of actresses that Derek Jeter tried to pump full of his herpes but that ass is definitely quality.

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                           Lindsey Lohann

     She is the princess of Skank-Ass.  Fine, supple ass but sloppily covered, often exposed, mooning everything in site.  She once even showed up to some kid's choice awards show drunk with no panties and gave an entire first row of 5th graders a close up look.     No apology, no shame, Skankasstic!  One of my favorites.

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                        Heather Graham

   What a delicious little ass.  Obviously she knows the proper place for her man's hand is on her ass.  Good girl.

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                              Olsen Twins

   The only talent these two spoiled brats displayed was having their parents put them in some popular crap show for retarded children some twenty years ago.  They have since turned that name recognition into a fortune of over a half billion dollars.   The Hermit suggest that they at least show they have some talent.........like taking multiple large cocks in their stupid, clueless, lucky, spoiled asses.

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                                Nicole Kidman

     Her ass is so wonderful that even Tom Cruise actually liked it.   It's just incredible.   No wonder she shows it in half the  movies she makes.   Eyes Wide Shut was one of my favorites.  Great ass and wearing glasses, nice!    What could be hotter than an attractive woman wearing glasses showing her ass?

       

        

     

Ass Appreciation Month: The Beginning of My Ass Fetish?

   It seems I always appreciated a fine ass.  Even as a child I noticed ass.   Growing up with with 80's cheesy sitcom television, I would often find a young star to ass worship.  Here are a few I remember.

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  Lydia Cornell, "Sarah" from Too Close for Comfort

I imagined doing all sorts of things to that sweet blond ass.  I noticed that ass at 9 years old.  I also noticed "Monroe" Jim J Bullock never gave her a second look.
  

    

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     Kari Michaelsen, "Katie" from Gimme a Break
    

While my friend Coz might prefer the basketball shaped Nell Carter, I lusted after Kari.

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       Justine Bateman, "Mallory" from Family Ties

               

            

I remember thinking, "man I'd nail her brother's ass just to get to that."  This is at 9 years of age I''m thinking this.

  

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   Dana Plato, "Kimberly" from Diff'rent Strokes

 

The "Ski weekend" episode was one of my favorites.

 

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                      Space Chick Ass!

           

            Jane Badler on the 1984 series V

       

         Markie Post on Buck Rodgers   Fantastic!!!

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And of course we all remember Suzanne Somers, "Crissy" from Three's Company.  Well she deserves special mention here as not only did she have a nice caboose but she also told Donald Sutherland in the 1980 film Nothing Personal, that yes she takes it in the can.  Then several years later she said in a radio interview "I really enjoy anal sex."  Thus ending the debate of who is better, Janet or Crissy.

  

August is Ass Appreciation Month

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Good News!  August is Ass Appreciation Month.  The Hermit will be posting pics of ass all month.

The Hermit Doesn't Hate Bill Maher So Much

I don't agree with everything Bill Maher says but his show is one of the few news/opinion programs that doesn't totally insult the viewer.    Here is a clip where he hits the nail on the head about our healthcare system.

Manwhore of the Month: Nicco

The Hermit wants to remind those of you in the NYC area that Nicco is available.   Those interested in this sort of thing should not pass up this great opportunity.  As he says in his ad, he is "ready for fun."
  

   As you can see from Nicco posing shirtless in a sport jacket, he is sexy yet sophisticated.

  

      Nothing is as sexy as bunched-up tighty-whities

  

Nicco tells us he's a poet and it's obvious from his precise use of language as he reminds us that his "c & a show" is short for "cock and ass."

  

Nicco is an educated man.  He is class conscious but he's no class warrior as he is open to date "good working class people"  as well as "wealthier men and women."   Maybe he will wear that sport jacket above on dates with the higher class people.

  

What a pose!   Real men flaunt their back hair.  Also, notice there is no head board on the bed, again Nicco displaying his easy-going attitude (or tough financial situation).

It aint easy out there and the Hermit wishes Nicco well.